Feel Page 9

  Jensen caresses my skin with his thumb. His voice breaks and he works hard to keep it steady, “You feel everything. Without you, I feel nothing. Nothing but the fucking pain from you being gone.”

  I watch as Jensen blinks back tears. It’s only the second time I’ve ever seen him even close to crying. The night he had my parents send me to the private institution, I saw the tears well in his eyes as mine were streaming down my face when they drove me away. He may have had them send me to that godforsaken place, but, seeing him now, broken and tormented because he hurt me, there’s no way he could’ve known what happened to me while I was there.

  I place my hand over his, leaning my cheek against the warmth of his touch before backing away so I can see him. I’m insane for falling for him again, but it seems my heart isn’t giving me a choice at the moment, ignoring how the rest of me is scared as hell it will never survive if he breaks it this time.

  “I don’t want you to hurt,” I whisper. I don’t.

  “Then, please stop fighting what we are together and get your stubborn ass over here so I can kiss you like I haven’t seen your pretty face in four long fucking years.”

  I take one step towards him and that’s all he needs to wrap me in his arms, pulling me against his chest to close the rest of the distance between us as his hungry mouth collides against mine. His teeth nip the fullness of my bottom lip then his tongue caresses and strokes the sensitive, tingling skin. All strength in my body is stolen by the liberating dominance in his kiss, bruising and healing wrapped in one breathtaking seduction. My knees no longer work, but the rest of my body becomes alive, responding to his touch, awakening me from the emptiness I’ve lived in for so long. This is what I’ve craved. What I’ve missed. His taste, scent, and touch have haunted me, and I breathe them all in deeply now, terrified they will be gone again.

  His fingers slide against my neck before softly tangling my hair in his fist. My head spins at his gentle touch mixed with his rough, passionate kiss. My lips part, granting his tongue all the access it wants, and he takes it greedily, sliding his tongue against mine, taming and setting me free. His kiss is scorching, searing me as liquid heat pulses low in my stomach. I feel the damp cotton pressing against where I need him to be so badly right now. Soft whimpers rumble up my throat, the needy pants muffled against his hot mouth. Jensen’s hand pulls me flush to his body and I feel him, hardened and throbbing, against my stomach. My gasp fills the air. I twist my waist, straddling myself against the muscles on his thigh.

  “Damn, Saige, stop moving like that or this is going to turn into much more than just a kiss,” Jensen rasps huskily. He plunges his tongue inside my mouth, pressing his lips roughly against mine.

  I melt into him as he bounces between plundering my depths and suckling my lip inside his hot, moist mouth. A trail of exquisite shivers wake down my neck as he gently bites my earlobe, swirling his tongue over the delicate, wanting flesh before moving his mouth down my skin. I tilt my head, pressing my neck against his lips and wickedly talented tongue. A need-filled groan leaves my lips as they part. I bite down, trying to stifle the cries of my desire from his sweet torture as I rub my jean clad wet heat against his upper thigh. His kiss and touch are everything good in this life and I need both so damn much right now. I need to feel everything from Jensen and nothing of everything else. Just for a little while. I rub harder against his thigh. My breath comes out in ragged, shallow puffs as I begin to build higher.

  Jensen groans, the thick rumble quaking against my lips. He slows the fevered momentum until his lips softly brush against mine. “I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed doing that with you,” he breathes into my neck, engulfing me in his embrace. His hands circle my waist, gently sliding me down his thigh. His voice is solemn, “I will give you whatever release you need, Saige, but not here.”

  Our location sinks into me and I quickly look around. I had forgotten about the bar, about being outside in a public place; his touch consumed all of me. The dark shelters us and we’re alone, but that can change any second. I laugh softly and sink into his strength. Jensen’s clean, earthy, masculine scent surrounds me. It’s provokingly comforting. For him to be immune to me, I’m completely under his control. I would hate that if it were anyone else who had me at their mercy. We stay tangled in each other’s arms for several minutes before he reluctantly pulls back. My cheeks and inner thighs are still in flames when I tilt my chin towards him.

  His green eyes shine down and that breathtaking smile is meant just for me. Like it used to be every day.

  “I know exactly how much you’ve missed that,” I admit, trying to calm the pounding in my heart as I run my tongue across my swollen lips. “I’ve missed it just as much.”

  Strong, gentle fingers slip underneath my chin. “You’re so damn amazing.” His lips curve, “And beautiful. You still wreck me, pretty girl. None of that’s changed.”

  “And you still have that damn Superman complex,” I return his smile, and we both laugh. That small release feels good. Not nearly as good as the release I want right now, but it’s a start. My gaze shifts to the bar, “Thank you for coming after me tonight.”

  He doesn’t say anything, just nods. His eyes darken, and I wish I could read what he’s feeling as he wraps his arm around my shoulders. We walk a few minutes before he takes out his phone and calls Andy, asking him to pick us up. I can tell Jensen wants to ask where my head is at right now, but I’m not completely sure where we stand so I remain quiet until Andy arrives.

  Jensen opens the passenger door, grabbing a hoodie and wrapping it around me before pulling the seatbelt across my lap, buckling it. I’m nowhere near buzzed enough not to be able to handle doing it myself, but I let him. It feels good to be taken care of.

  Jensen slides into the driver’s seat and Andy bumps my shoulder. I feel his empathy and apprehension. Damn, he’s so freaking hard to figure out. There aren’t many words said by any of us on the drive to the motel. As the van rolls to a stop, Andy places his hand on my wrist. “Give me a minute with your girl, here.”

  Jensen’s eyes move between Andy and me and we both nod. His fingers reach for mine, giving a little squeeze, before he leaves the van, shutting the door behind him.

  Andy hops into the driver’s seat and turns towards me. His blue eyes study me for a few seconds and his emotions are so screwed up, neither one of us can decipher them for a minute. Finally, the uneasiness fades and he nods his head over his shoulder, “So, trying not to love him isn’t working out for you so well, huh?”

  “And I thought I was the one who could read emotions,” I crack softly.

  “Yours are pretty much on your sleeve right now, princess,” he tugs on the sleeve of the hoodie, smiling.

  “Ah, so you’re back to calling me that. I thought we were over it,” I tease.

  “Nope. Just giving you a short reprieve. I figured you earned it today.”

  Silence fills the van again. Andy seems a helluva lot more comfortable with the quiet than me, which is funny given how he never shuts up. It seems like forever before he stops trying to figure me out with that blue piercing gaze.

  “I don’t know much about you, but I know Jensen like a brother. Except for the whole story about what happened between the two of you. All I know about this is you being gone pretty much fucked him up, unless he was already that way before I met him.” He laughs, raking a hand through his dark hair, “But I seriously doubt that. The look on his face yesterday was clue enough that you’re the one who muddled his head. You did a damn good job of it, too.”

  I want to yell at him, tell him that I’m not the one who muddled anything, but I can tell he’s not accusing. Besides, if I wasn’t how I am then that night wouldn’t have happened, so I guess I’m not blameless in all of this.

  “Just don’t fuck him up anymore, alright?” Andy cracks a tilted grin, “If you do, I’ll duct tape your ass to the chair again and make you listen to me talking to you for days.”

  I l
et out a hearty laugh, beginning to like Jensen’s friend and his loyalty to him a bit more. “How ‘bout you tell him the same thing?”

  Andy shakes his head, leaning back against the window. “No need,” he states simply, “I know him well enough to know that boy is never gonna let you go again.” He chucks his fist playfully against the bottom of my chin before leaving me alone in the van.

  Andy’s words swim in my head. I want to believe them. I’m starting to…and I have an equal dose of fear and excitement over that.

  Jensen and Andy are talking in hushed tones when I join them. Both shut-up when they see me coming. For once, I wish I could read minds instead of the jumbled mess radiating from Andy.

  “Well, I don’t know about you, but I have two lovely ladies waiting for more of this rockin’ bod. Since we’re here for just the night I figure I might as well let them have as much of me as they can handle.” Andy flashes a cocky grin and nods his head my way as he faces Jensen, “I’m sure I can go back to one of their places but since we have two rooms, I was thinking you can crash with Saige tonight.”

  I hold my breath, waiting to hear his response.

  Jensen hesitates, “I can sleep in the van.”

  Disappointment gnaws in my chest, and I decide to throw it out there before I change my mind, “There are two beds in my room. It’s senseless to not use one.”

  “You sure?” Jensen asks.

  I know there’s more behind that question than he’s letting on, but I’m more than sure that I don’t want to be alone tonight and I’m fairly sure he feels the same. I’m also sure that there is no fighting what I feel for him. I don’t want to anymore.

  “She’s sure,” Andy answers for me, giving me a look letting me know that I better be.

  “I’m sure,” I repeat, ignoring Andy. He’s only looking out for his friend and has no idea what Jensen’s leaving has done to me and how hard it is to let everything go without knowing some more answers to questions I’m not ready to ask.

  Andy claps his hands together, “Great. All settled then. You two have fun; I sure as hell plan to.”

  I roll my eyes, and Jensen laughs, shaking his head. “Road trips with him are definitely never dull.”

  “I can imagine,” I mumble, not wanting to contemplate too much on what exactly that means.

  I unlock the door to my room and step inside, suddenly shy. I can’t seem to meet his gaze when he looks at me.

  “You don’t seem so sure right about now.”

  “I’m sure,” I breathe.

  “What exactly is it that you’re sure about, Saige?” Jensen smirks playfully, trying to hide what he really wants to ask.

  “As of now, just you sleeping on the spare bed,” I reply, cocking my brow, “so don’t get any further notions just yet.”

  “I can give you my word that I won’t act on my notions, unless you want me to, but as far as my having notions…lots of hot, perverted, and very detailed notions of you naked, sweaty, and writhing underneath me; oh, there will absolutely be plenty of those,” he winks.

  I know I shouldn’t ask, but I can’t help myself. “Just how many notions have you acted on over the years?”

  The playful light in Jensen’s eyes darkens. His jaw tightens and he looks away.

  “That many?” I whisper, damning my need to know.

  “I didn’t handle you being gone very well.” He slides his hands down my arms, letting out a long breath. “I’m not going to lie to you. There were a lot of women. I’m a guy,” he shrugs his shoulders as he rakes a hand through his tousled hair, “when our hearts get broken we tend to try to heal them with our dicks.”

  “Did it work?” I ask, holding my breath, dreading his answer.

  He places his finger underneath my chin, tilting it as the seriousness in his eyes bores into mine, “Not even a little.”

  The breath I was holding comes out in a shallow puff. Relief tugs at my heart. The thought of him with another woman, her hands touching him or her lips kissing him, kills me. Hearing they meant nothing to him makes me feel better, and I feel a little shitty that I feel like that when it probably meant a lot to them. It had to mean something to them because there’s no way Jensen can touch you and it not mean everything.

  That same look Jensen had outside the bar darkens his entire face for a few seconds before he falls back on the bed. I watch him watch me. He’s waiting for me to make the next move. The air is still thick, charged with a strong need-filled tension, but there’s still something he’s not saying…or asking. It doesn’t take a psychic to know he’s wondering how many men I’ve let have me. I should put him at ease, but I can’t bring myself to tell him the one I did give myself to threw me away. It sounds too pathetic, and I need him to see the stronger side of me right now.

  “I’m alright, Jensen,” I assure him, “but can you just hold me tonight?”

  He holds his hand out for me to take, “I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

  I place my hand in his, smiling when he pulls me against his chest. My body aches from the explosion but mostly from needing to feel more of Jensen’s touch. I’ll have to deal with both aches for now.

  His hand runs softly down my hair, his fingers sliding different strands between them, as I listen to the calming beat of his heart. His breath warms my forehead and I allow his warmth and comfort to drift me to sleep.

  The sound of the shower turning on stirs me from a heavy slumber. I blink against the bright sunshine pouring in between the slit in the curtain, spilling across the bed. A smile spreads across my lips at how I didn’t dream anything last night, just slept better than I have in as long as I can remember. That smile fades when I remember the calamity of twenty-four hours earlier. The only peace I have about what happened is how I at least got Bailey and Kim away. Guilt begins its poisonous venom and I try to shake it. There’s nothing else we could have done. Even if we called the police earlier, there was nothing in that apartment to indicate who lived there, much less that a bomber lived there.

  The shower stops, and I gingerly stretch. A yawn escapes as I sit up in bed, but all drowsiness vacates my body when Jensen steps out of the bathroom wrapped in nothing but a thin towel. Water drips from his sexily disheveled blonde locks and runs down the muscles of his sculpted back. I watch as they leave a wet trail, disappearing into the white cotton. My throat goes dry as my gaze shifts over a firm backside and strong thighs, down to tan bare feet. My tongue itches to follow the path of drips running between the sinew ripples. He turns and I see the same hard chest and abs that I remember but they’re even more defined and partially covered with more ink. I’ve never been the type of girl to drool over tats, but holy-freaking-crap they look amazing on him.

  “Still think I sold out to the bad boy cliché?” he asks, the corners of his mouth tilting.

  “Not everyone with ink is a bad boy.” I meet his gaze, holding it, “You’re not.”

  “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” he asks, stepping closer to me.

  “Depends on who you ask,” I reply, my breathing becoming thinner with his every step.

  “What about for you?” he teases, a wicked glint shining in his eyes. He can see how turned on I am right now, and he’s loving it.

  “In theory, bad boys can be great, but, in reality, you know what kind of guy I want.”

  “And you think I’m that guy?” he asks, all playfulness gone. His green eyes are serious and unwavering as they hold me prisoner.

  “You were him once, but, now - ” my voice trails, and he stops moving.

  His jaw clenches and he nods sadly, “But now what?”

  “Now, you’re going to have to be him and the guy who proves what I first thought about love still exists and what I’ve learned over the past few years is just bullshit.”

  A smile curves his lips and he lets out a low chuckle, “So, I’m going to have to be the guy who proves that not all men are fucking bastards, even though I proved that to you on the playground yea
rs ago?”

  “You weren’t a man, then,” I reply, my breaths become harder to take when he places his hands on my arms and he looks down at me, his eyes blazing the truth.

  “You look scared, Saige,” he whispers. “Is it because you’re scared I’m not that guy anymore or because you know I am?”

  He doesn’t wait on a response, which is good because I can’t manage to make my mouth move right now.

  “I can be him. I’d fight like hell to be him for you, Saige.” His hand presses against my cheek and I lean my face against the warmth of his touch. “Do you want me to be him?” Jensen asks, his voice barely audible.

  Looking up, I see the answer he wants me to give shining so damn bright. My head spins, and my heart is fluttering like a thousand jacked-up butterflies. I open my mouth, but a loud rap at the door stops me from answering.

  “Get your asses up in there,” Andy calls through the door. “I’m in serious need of coffee and protein after my vigorous workout last night.”

  Jensen lets out a loud groan and places his forehead against mine. “If you want to take a shower, I’ll go on a breakfast run and be back in a few.”

  “Only if you take loud mouth with you,” I laugh. “I will have to kill him if you don’t.”

  “That makes it tempting to leave him here.” Jensen brushes a kiss against the corner of my eye before he grabs the keys to the van.

  I watch as he leaves and lean against the door when it shuts. Hell, yes, I want him to be that guy. I need Jensen to be him again. It’s not his job to make me feel whole, but he did. I don’t anymore, and I know it’s because he was gone. He’s not responsible to piece together what’s broken or fill what’s missing. I was okay without him; I survived and was making something out of myself, but I don’t want to simply survive anymore. I want to feel the best part of life and I can’t do that without Jensen…not when he is that part. At least I hope he’s still that part.