Feel Page 18

  “Fine, I’ll back off but only if you promise to leave if it becomes too much.” Jensen’s worried green eyes search me, waiting for my confirmation.

  I give a soft nod, but only to ease his mind at the moment. There’s not a chance I’m leaving him alone to stand up there beside the three coffins holding his family. I saw the agony in his eyes yesterday when he picked out the final resting places for his father, mother, and Jackson. I could tell it was all he could do not to break down when he chose his brother’s. He will not be alone. I will be right next to him; I don’t give a damn what it does to me.

  Jensen’s been quiet the past couple of days. I know identifying the remains, then seeing his father’s face on the video he made a little over a year after Jensen left is hard to process. I’m grateful Jackson made sure I knew about the lockbox so Jensen could hear his father saying the words he always wanted to hear growing up. I remember Jensen playing superheroes, making up all sorts of different powers he had. Although I was young, I knew how much Jensen wanted to please his father. I just didn’t know why. A part of him died when he stopped trying. I guess he figured he would never hear the words he heard his father finally say. That bittersweet ache in my chest reappears when I think of Jensen’s expression when his father told him in the recording how proud he was to have him as a son.

  It nearly killed me when Jensen tried so hard to hold back the tears, even when mine were soaking my face. I pulled him into my arms, comforting him this time as he cried. He’s always been so strong, and I felt that strength even then, despite his brokenness, when he found out his mother was in the coma by her own hand. Jensen never knew of his mother’s psychic abilities or how much she despised them. It broke my heart seeing the sorrow in his eyes as he watched his father telling him how he met his mother while working in a private sector of the government, finding and training people with paranormal talents. His mother never wanted to be different or have the power to read people’s pasts and see their future. Maybe if she could have only seen how Jensen turned out, the wonderful man he turned into, she wouldn’t have overdosed. From what I saw on the video, Jackson and their father were good men, too. They just weren’t good at showing it.

  I slip my hand inside my bag, running my fingers over Jensen’s father’s journals. Hesitant doesn’t even come close to how scared I was of asking if Jensen minded if I read his father’s training techniques he used to help people strengthen their abilities, and I was beyond surprised when he didn’t object. Right now, his eyes are staring straight ahead, seeing nothing but the road. Glancing in the rearview mirror, I smile when I see Josie practically sitting on Darrin’s lap. They contrast beautifully with his toned mahogany skin and her smooth pale complexion. They are stunning together, but it goes beyond their physical looks; they seem to complete each other.

  “Sam is sure it’s clear?” Jensen asks, never taking his eyes off the road.

  “The funeral home’s clean. Griffin hasn’t returned. The coward’s still on the road. Josie and Stephen are staying on top of keeping the best tabs on him that they can, but he’s not taking a rational path, crisscrossing across states for no apparent reason,” Darrin’s words are edged with frustration.

  “It’s like he knows we’re tailing him,” Josie shakes her head, “but I don’t know how.”

  “He can feel when you’re there. Subconsciously there, anyway,” I tell them, trying to shake the shivers from my spine at how he felt my aura and held me captive. “Everything with him feels different than anything I’ve felt before.”

  “What do you mean by ‘different’?” Darrin inquires, leaning in between the space of the seats so he can see me better.

  “Darker, stronger – consuming.” I shrug, not wanting to think about Griffin, but knowing I won’t be able to stop thinking about him until he’s in jail. “Even my abilities are stronger when it comes to him. I was never able to have a vision while awake until him. All my visions came from dreams, but, when I felt him at the college, I saw what he was going to do the next day when I was wide awake in the middle of the quad.”

  “In your visions, you’ve felt pain before, right?” Darrin asks me, gently squeezing my hand when my gaze drops to my fingers.

  “Yeah, but there was this sense of separation. It was real, but not…I know that doesn’t make any sense.” I shake my head with frustration, not knowing how to explain any of this. I don’t even understand it fully.

  “It was real with Griffin, though,” Darrin says, more like a statement than a question. His other hand lands on Jensen’s shoulder, “With Jensen’s family, you were physically suffocating, not just feeling what they were feeling in the vision.”

  Jensen’s jaw twitches, and there’s a sharp tug on my heart when I see his grip tighten on the steering wheel. Nodding, I glance at Darrin, “Yeah, it was real.”

  “I’ve been researching how that can be possible, but nothing I can find shows this kind of extra sensory ability.” His hand squeezes mine reassuringly, “But, don’t worry. We’ll stop him.”

  The van slows and my chest constricts. Swallowing the lump trying to clog my throat, I absently smooth my black skirt, focusing on my emotions, trying to pull them as close as possible so I can hold myself together for Jensen. Afflicted green eyes are searching me when I look back up.

  “I swear I won’t think anything even remotely bad of you if you go back to the cabin, Saige.” Jensen’s voice is raw, and all I want to do is hold him, figure out some way to shelter him from all of this, especially with him trying to protect me from it.

  “I belong with you,” I state simply, opening the door and sliding out into the cool wind. It’s only 7:00 p.m., but the sky is already dark gray. I welcome the chill in the air; it helps disguise the real reason for my body’s trembling.

  Jensen meets me at the front of the van, wrapping his arm around my shoulders as he pulls me into him. His warmth is comforting. I hope mine is to him.

  The funeral home is welcoming with its soft lighting and colorful landscaping outside, which always screwed with my head when I was younger. Death and comfort have never played nicely together, at least not with the deaths I’ve sensed. Grief, curiosity, anger, and fear swirl around me, seeping inside, as we step inside the door. We’re a little early, so only a few people are here who Jensen introduces as neighbors. The expected condolences are given as hands are shaken and hugs are dished out. It’s interesting watching the reactions on the people’s faces while experiencing what they actually feel inside. The neighbors are truly sympathetic, but they’re also scared, especially the next door neighbor…well, his wife is. The husband seems angry more than anything, but he hides it well as he offers his sympathy to Jensen.

  Jensen’s back has been to the coffins, greeting his neighbors at the door of the lobby. Now, as he turns around, I wish to God I could take his pain for him. He also hides his feelings well, and although I can’t feel them, I do. I know that he’s doing a bang-up job at disguising his sorrow as his stoic stride leads me to his family whom I never met. Not once. Looking back, I don’t even know how in the hell that’s possible with Jensen and me being practically inseparable. The first time I saw them was the day they died. The visitation is closed casket because of the damage suffered. I wish Jensen didn’t have to see what we saw when he identified their bodies. Their images are burned into my mind every time I close my eyes. I can’t imagine how much worse it is for him.

  Jensen has only met my parents a few times. Those were enough. I guess we didn’t pay much attention before because we had each other. That, and the fact that my parents never wanted to be near me, anyway.

  Josie wraps her arms around Jensen, giving him a hug and an encouraging smile before slipping her petite body back into Darrin’s embrace. Even at a funeral, she looks amazing. Her cropped, dicey almost white blonde hair frames her delicate features, making her blue eyes seem even a brighter blue. I would be pathetically jealous of her if I couldn’t feel her love for Darrin radiating in wa
ves. I don’t know if that’s why I like her so much, but I find myself enjoying spending time with her. I’ve never had a girlfriend before. I’ve never had a friend before Jensen. Not for long anyway. My abilities seemed to scare the shit out of anyone who was around me for long.

  “We’ll be over there if you need us,” Josie states, giving me a pointed look. “If you need a break, just let me know.”

  My smile is genuinely appreciative as I nod.

  It doesn’t take long before a crowd begins to arrive. Andy and Axe bypass the line circling around the pews that is filled from as far outside the lobby doors as I can see, all the way to Jensen and the three coffins I’m having trouble looking at, as they file through.

  “I think the whole town is here.” Andy nods towards the door, “There isn’t a parking space available and there are people lined up outside.” He studies Jensen quickly, and I feel his empathy. Another indecipherable man-look passes between them and Andy steps next to me, bumping my shoulder. “I’m going to hang out next to you, princess. There are some fine-ass women in this line that I want to meet,” he whispers, grinning.

  My fingers tighten around Jensen’s hand, silently thanking him for having Andy glue himself to me so I can focus on his feelings, which are a helluva lot more bearable than the dispiriting ones bleeding my energy from everyone else. Other than Andy, the only break in the grief is when the kids come through. They don’t understand what’s going on and are mostly happy. A few are cranky, but I’ll take that over despair any day.

  Jensen has greeted well over a hundred people, holding himself together impeccably. I don’t know where he finds the strength; I’m barely hanging on here.

  My head is pounding from how hard I’ve forced myself to focus on Andy, who looks as exhausted as I feel from his attention zeroing in on anything that will distract me from the emotional drain. Unfortunately, his attention span is like that of a horny college frat boy with a buffet of naked co-eds. I need a damn shower.

  A few girls from high school who always had their claws ready to impale in Jensen make their way through the line, verbally offering their condolences while silently hating me and smooshing their revealing bodies against Jensen’s for way too many seconds too long. The humor I feel behind that is shared by Andy, lessening my guilt for getting tickled over their wildly inappropriate choice of location to flirt. Poor Jensen. He has enough shit to deal with.

  The line is finally thinning out when a shot of trepidation hits me and my throat goes bone dry. “Distract Jensen,” I quietly mutter in Andy’s ear.

  “What?” he whispers back, a little too loudly, and I elbow his ribs.

  “Keep Jensen distracted for a few minutes. Tell him I had to go to the restroom.”

  “How am I supposed to distract him?” he grumbles, rubbing his sore side.

  “Use your mouth. That can distract anyone,” I rush, slipping away as Jensen is being pulled into the arms of someone’s grandmother who looks like she’s at least ninety-nine.

  My chest tightens painfully as I practically sprint towards the lobby. A thin sheen of sweat dampens the back of my neck and my stomach churns. I don’t have the energy to deal with fending off the animosity of my parents. I haven’t seen or heard from them in four years. They made it clear I was nothing to them. Fear joins in the circus from hell spinning my emotions on its merry-go-round, and I cringe at my cowardice. I don’t have to be looking anywhere near my mother to know the second she sees me; her viral contempt is clue enough when it slams into my gut.

  Her perfectly painted lips whisper into my father’s ear. I brace myself for his disgust when he turns towards me. He doesn’t disappoint, giving me an extra strong dose, his body going rigid just from the sight of his pathetic daughter. I tried to please them for so long, fought so damn hard to rid myself of the emotions that ravaged me growing up, but I was only a child. I was frightened as hell and just as confused, not knowing how to deal with what was going on inside of me. The way they handled my ‘episodes’ was less than scantly comforting. Their idea of helping me was by threatening to send me away or lock me up. I guess they got tired of only threatening.

  “Come with me, now,” my mother hisses in my ear when I reach her. Her fingernails dig into my skin as she pulls me to a private room in the back. She pushes me against the wall as soon as my father shuts the door. “What the hell are you doing here, Saige Renee?”

  “I’m here for Jensen,” I mumble, trying to ignore the throbbing in my shoulder from the impact of hitting the wall.

  “He got rid of you when we did,” my mother states like it’s nothing to ditch your child. “When did that change? I thought the boy finally came to his senses. Apparently, I was wrong.”

  To be so beautiful, she can be such a witch. I’ve tried to be angry at her for that. It would be so much easier to deal with the anger than the pain, but all I feel is shame and disappointment. “I know how you feel about me,” I tell her, not wanting to waste any time in getting them out of here before Jensen sees them, “but Jensen’s been through enough and seeing you right now wouldn’t be a good idea.”

  “Why?” My mother’s sculpted brow raises as she pierces me with eyes that look like mine.

  I don’t answer.

  “You little bitch,” my father spits. “You told him about the therapy. How many times have I told you our family matters stay inside our home?”

  “Therapy?” I nearly shriek. “Don’t you mean torture?”

  “You’re the one who chose not to cooperate, Saige,” my father barks, his fists coiling at his side as he storms towards me.

  “I didn’t allow them to turn me into a zombie! Did that mean I deserved for you to give your approval to beat me? Electrocute me?”

  “You chose the hard way, Saige. Don’t blame me for your misguided choices and refusal for help,” my father growls.

  Biting back the tears, I try to push his loathing for me away. He’ll never own up to what he did. Neither of them will. Focusing on Jensen, I take a deep breath, “The past doesn’t matter now. Please – just leave. Jensen’s lost everything and I don’t want to hurt him anymore.”

  “You should’ve thought of that before you walked back into his life,” my mother snaps.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I pull enough strength together to pull off my last ditch effort to get them to leave before Jensen has to deal with this disaster, too, “Leave now, or I swear I’ll walk out of this room and tell everyone how you treated me over the years, calling me a witch when I told you about Nonno and telling me how what a terrible mistake I was and shouldn’t have ever been born. I swear I’ll tell them everything from the day you punished me for warning you about his death up to the day you sent me to hell. What do you think your friends would think of you then?”

  My mother hasn’t lost her touch one bit when she slaps me, her hand sending a flame of fire bursting up my cheek, but the blow of feeling Andy’s shocked anger hurts so much worse when he steps inside the room, witnessing what I never wanted Jensen to know.

  Andy quickly steps in front of my mother and father, shielding me. “I have everything recorded right here,” Andy barks, holding up his phone. “Do as Saige asked and leave, or I’ll be more than happy to put on a slide show.”

  My mother’s usually perfectly composed self nearly explodes before she manages to pull herself together, turning back into the gorgeous, respected Abrianna Colewood her ‘friends’ adore.

  My father finds it a little harder to regain control as he steps close to Andy, looking like he’s going to decapitate him with his bare hands.

  I go to step in front of Andy, but he holds his arm out, keeping me away from my father’s wrath. For once, he keeps his mouth shut and only holds up his phone, shaking it a bit in my father’s face. I hold my breath, squeezing Andy’s arm, as I wait to see what my father’s going to do. I know Andy is bluffing about the recording, and I feel his anxiety almost as strong as mine as he hopes they believe his lie.

  “Ric
hard!” my mother snaps, and my father steps away from Andy. His lethal glare slices through me as he joins my mother, ready to be at her beck-and-call. Nothing’s changed there.

  My grip eases on Andy’s arm as the door closes behind my parents.

  “Holy shit, Saige,” Andy spits out, spinning towards me. “Your parents win the award for being the biggest dicks, hands down.”

  A rueful smile tugs the corners of my lips, and I grimace, my cheek still feeling like a thousand burning pricks.

  “Are you okay?” Andy questions, pulling my chin up so he can examine my cheek better in the light.

  Nodding my head, I try to shrug it off. “It’s nothing. I just need a few minutes in the bathroom to cover this up so Jensen doesn’t see it.”

  “Don’t you think you should tell him?” Andy asks incredulously.

  “No!” I cry. “Really, it’s nothing. Please, just cover for me a couple of minutes longer.”

  Andy shakes his head, “I’m not lying about this, Saige.”

  “You don’t have to lie. Just don’t say anything,” I plead.

  “I’m not,” Andy states, “because you’re going to tell him.”

  “Thank you for what you did, acting like you recorded all of that when we both know you were bluffing. I appreciate you stepping in to help, but the whole point of getting them to leave is so Jensen wouldn’t see them, so Jensen wouldn’t know!”

  “So I wouldn’t know what?” Jensen’s voice reverberates through the room, and I spin around, knowing my mother’s fingerprints are still on my face. “What’s going on? Are you alright, Saige?”

  Nodding my head, I head towards the door, being sure to keep my head down, “Go back out there. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  Jensen’s hand grabs my arm. The gentleness in his touch brings tears to my eyes, but I blink them away. “What’s wrong, Saige?”